Friday, July 31, 2009
Sunday, July 26, 2009
The Funny Pages:
On Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
On some Swanson frozen dinners:
Serving suggestions: Defrost.
Printed on the bottom of Tesco Tiramisu dessert:
Do not turn upside down.
On Marks and Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:
Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.
On Nytol Sleep Aid:
Warning: May cause drowsiness.
On most brands of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: Contains nuts.
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
On a Swedish chain saw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
On a toboggan:
Beware: Sledge may develop high speed under certain snow conditions.
On a knife sharpener:
Caution: knives are sharp.
On shin pads for cyclists:
Shin guards cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover.
On a take away coffee cup:
Caution: Hot beverages are hot.
Emergency safety procedures at a US summer camp:
In case of flood, proceed uphill. In case of flash flood proceed uphill quickly.
In a microwave oven manual:
Do not use for drying pets.
On the back of a pilot's seat in a NATO aircraft:
Seat must be facing forward for take-off and landing.
On the bottom of a cola bottle:
Do not open here.
On a Harry Potter wizards broom:
This broom does not actually fly.
On a box of aspirin:
Do not take if allergic to aspirin.
On a bottle of laundry detergent:
Remove clothing before distributing in washing machine.
On a muffin packet:
Remove wrapper, open mouth, insert muffin, eat.
In a kettle instruction manual:
The appliance is switched on by setting the 'ON/OFF' button to the 'ON' position.
On a ketchup bottle:
Instructions: Put on food.
On a bottle of rum:
Open bottle before drinking.
A car park sign:
Entrance only. Do not enter.
A sign in a street in Hong Kong:
Beware of people.
Rules on a tram in Prague:
Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be persecuted.
Sign on newly-renovated ramp entrance, USA:
Take care: new non-slip surface.
On a can of air freshener:
For use by trained personnel only.
On a bottle of baby lotion:
Keep away from children.
On a pair of socks bought in Egypt:
Do not wash.
On a 500-piece jigsaw puzzle:
Some assembly required.
On a can of pepper spray used for self defense:
May irritate eyes.
On a Frisbee:
Warning: may contain small parts.
In a car handbook:
In order to get out of car, open door, get out lock doors, and then close doors.
On a packet of cashew nut pieces:
Warning: This product may contain residue of nuts.
Directions for mosquito repellent:
Replacing battery: replace old battery with a new one.
On a birthday card for a one year old:
Not suitable for children aged under 36 months or less.
In a hotel bedroom:
Please do not turn on TV except when in use.
In a lift in a Japanese hotel:
Push this button in case anything happens.
On a toilet cleaning brush:
Do not use orally.
On a can of Spray paint:
Do not spray in your face.
On a TV remote:
Not Dishwasher safe.
On a blowtorch:
Not used for drying hair.
On a washing machine in a launderette:
No small children.
On a bottle of hair dye:
Do not use as Ice Cream topping.
On a push along lawn mower:
Not to be used as a hedge trimmer.
On a box of fireworks:
Do not put in mouth.
On the packaging for a wrist watch:
Warning this is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants.
In a dishwasher manual:
Do not allow children to play in dishwasher.
On a toaster:
Do not use underwater.
On a mattress:
Do not attempt to swallow.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
WELCOME TO OUR
BY FRANK FERRI
- - - -
You sure look the part. Short beard, tight-fitting thrift-store shirt, slim-fit jeans and large-framed glasses that scream "I'm hip!" I should hire you on appearance alone. But legally, I can't. Besides, there's a lot more to our shop than how we look and dress.
Our culture is very important. We have a culture. No red tape. No corporate layers. No bureaucratic bullshit. But it's not anarchy. It's a meritocracy, with tons of optimism and zero racism. We like diversity. My girlfriend is a pansexual black woman who was raised by Nepalese parents on the Stockholm Archipelago. She was educated in Perth before coming to the States via pneumatic tube.
We're a shop. Not an agency, not a firm − a shop. Other acceptable terms are "boutique interactive solutions studio pad," "branding house," or "post-branding branding garage."
That's another thing, we add "post" as a prefix to words − especially when interfacing with clients. Post-media, post-Internet solutions, etc. If you can't do that, then you're post-employed. Kidding. I'm a creative-type, I say creative things like that.
We drink coffee all day. We brew it in our retro-style kitchen, which is ironic. Post-ironic even.
We're post-Internet web strategists. And we only use Macs. We've got one PC, spray-painted silver. While working, we wear earphones and listen to post-stringed guitar neo-punk by an obscure meta-artist.
Our business practices are closely aligned with the Republican Party's way of thinking. But every pod (we don't use cubicles here, they stifle creativity) must have a picture or some figurine mocking the GOP. It shows our post-subversive, post-dissident, Post Cereal mindset.
Creative meetings − meetings! Listen to me. When we're in a creative sesh, we'll think of the same ideas as any other agency. But we sell our ideas like this: For a pedestrian website, we'll say, "This post-digital highly calibrated online meta-experience is a nod to the analog age, which guarantees a viral effect among the decision-makers in your industry and beyond by making sure your brand stands out in a world of post-font, post-blue, Post-Its." Doesn't have to make sense.
We'll create a blog on their site, a Facebook thingie, and talk about it being "a post-blog, post-social networking platform that inspires and spreads ideas so that your message sticks to your inter-generational, minimally attentive demo. But also reaches, bestrides and orbits other industries to capture the attention of a post-captive audience."
I like this talking point: "We drive traffic to clients' sites in a post-traffic, post-public transportation way in a highly post-visual, post-gustatory, pre-olfactory world. You'll notice everything we do stays true to the client's identity as our post-branding brand extension cords extend that identity into post-new media media post outlets."
Our seshes take place in the carport we built inside the office. Post-ironic, right? We used an aerospace-grade epoxy to adhere forty-five surfboards together for a table. Says, "Yeah whatever, brah, we know life's too short to worry about stuff." But it also says, "We still worry about stuff enough to build a table."
The indoor barn is also ironic. We do our visionary reviewages there. We stand and look at print ads, billboards, whatever, and say, "I think the one with the finer vertical line speaks more to the frontal cortex of the end-user because of its PoMo post-sovereign influence."
Or, "The Pantone color conjures a post-cognitive experience, which could foment a post-interpersonal meta bond between the consumer and the brand."
I like to bullshit in the barn. I'll say something uber-cultured like, "The ad is very Pierre Auguste Cot, while the billboard is so Abraham Mignon. Neither will register on a post-conscious level with our client's audience. They'll have a negative effect."
Everyone in the barn will agree with me even though they have no idea if the artists mentioned exist. One will say, "Totally, Mignon-esque. Can't believe I didn't think of that." Another will say, "I thought I was going too heavy Auguste Cot. Damn."
That cave? That's where the copywriters work. I know, you probably think all post-branding boutique branding neo-interactive podshop houses all have the stereotypical copywriters: the ones who sit there and write their destined-to-fail screenplays in Movie Magic. Not here. Our copywriters use Final Draft. Or Celtx.
The cave is where you'll be creating brilliant copy and concepts. Just one important rule: if our copywriters decide to sit outside for lunch, they must bring this copy of Finnegans Wake. Relax! You don't have to read it. You just have to look at random pages and pretend. Every few minutes nod and chuckle aloud, "Oh Joyce, you devil!" It sends a message that says, "Yeah, I write copy for the establishment, but I also read books that no one understands." Gives us a bit more intellectual cred.
If you're interested, I'd like to see if you have what it takes to write copy for our branding den/ad grotto − and our progressive, independent-minded clients. We need a postcard written for a little neighborhood grill that just opened. It's called Applebee's®. They want to promote their Carside to Go™ service. Go crazy with it. Have fun. Push the envelope − and get some papercuts doing it. Ha-ha. But seriously, just make sure you adhere to "The Applebee's®. Corporate Guidelines and Branding Policies," which is a huge document. I'll email you a PDF instead of printing it so I don't have to write a post-Earth Earth posting on my blog. Damn, I'm clever.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Sunday, July 12, 2009
20. The Felice Brothers - Penn Station
19. Dirty Projectors - Stillness is the Move
18. Lady Gaga - Poker Face
17. St. Vincent - Now Now
16. Sunbears! - I'm Alive
15. Cymbals Eat Guitars - And the Hazy Sea
14. Frightened Rabbit - Fast Blood
13. The Thermals - Now We Can See
12. Au Revoir Simone - Another Likely Story
11. The Frames - Falling Slowly
10. Matt & Kim - Good Ol' Fashion Nightmare
9. Japandroids - The Boys are Leaving Town
8. The Dead Weather - So Far From Your Weapon
7. Ghostland Observatory - The Band Marches On
6. Arcade Fire - Wake Up
5. Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Heads Will Roll
4. Pheonix - 1901
3. Camera Obscura - Honey in the Sun
2. A.C. Newman - There May Be Ten or Twelve...
1. Passion Pit - Sleepyhead
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Kayla & Max
Caitlin & Jason
but can they beat my favorite dance from last season??
Chelsea & Mark